Confessions – I Want To Be In Control And Make My Own Future

I am not for sure when it started. It was probably the first time I was given a choice of cookies or something insignificant like that. In choice, I found that I was in control. From an early age, I enjoyed being in control of anything I could be. Growing up, I had a lot of things chosen for me, as I had to learn how to navigate three parental situations as I lived mostly with my Mom, every other weekend with my Dad, and most summers with my grandparents.

I learned quickly that my choices would affect the praise and/or criticism of others. I would often choose whatever would give me the most positive praise. I rarely thought about the long term or what I really wanted. I was more concerned with gaining importance from others’ thoughts than my own. At some point, I was able to make my own choices, not guided by the praise of people and I found myself feeling completely lost. If I made a decision, it really did not affect me either way. I did not come to this conclusion until I unplugged from my people pleasing tendencies.

I think I may just broke through this in recent months. I make decisions now based on who I am, not who I could be. I rest in the fact that God will not ever love me more than He does today. I can’t make any choice that would separate me from him. There is a comfort in that, there is a sense that I don’t need to be in control anymore. I just need to rest in the fact that He is working things out for my good.


My “good” has looked much different than I have thought it would in recent years. My wife has an injury and has been out of work, off and on, for over three years. I found that I have an extra vertebrae that causes me unbelievable pain, at times. I finally landed what I thought was my dream job, to fund out it was all smoke and mirrors. I remember sitting in my living room thinking that the whole world was crashing in on us. I did not understand why a loving God would allow all of this.

The story I have been living should have been one of epic sadness, yet somehow, God is forming it into a beautiful story. It is a story that I would not have chosen, yet it is forming me into a more complete and thoughtful follower of Christ. So I guess I really don’t want to be in control, I just want to rest in the fact that “someone” is thinking about my path and directing my decisions.



  1. It’s so hard to resist wanting to be in control of everything. I am a planner and it seems most plans had a major detour that I didn’t expect. Someone told me that God has to be involved in your plans , if not they are pointless .i guess its like sailing in a sail boat with out any wind. Now I just pray for peace and direction and hoping He’ll send a breeze and push us in the right course . Good thoughtful writing, that’s a dilemma i think many of us face.

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