You ever had a moment in life when something did not go your way. Let me rephrase that, have you ever made it through an entire day where everything actually went your way. No traffic, no relational strife, no misunderstandings, nothing broke, and you felt peaceful throughout an entire day. Yes, me either.
Something always seems to pop up, yet, for some reason I keep expecting that perfect day. I keep thinking that everything’s going to go my may, like a Lenny Kravitz song. I expect perfection each day from others. I want everyone to agree with me, I want no one to ask anything of me that is not in my normal scope of responsibility. In short, I just want to be left alone, yet I want to be around people. I sort of would like to be an extra in a movie, allowed to just stay busy working, allowing a camera to capture a few glimpses of what I was actually doing.
There is a inherent problem here, though. God always sees me. No matter what I try to do, God will see everything that I do. In that case, in most cases other people are watching as well. I try to catch myself, before my face makes the reaction in my heart, before I show the way I really feel in the paragraph above.
I am not sure what happened to me, I did not used to be like this. I used to strive to please anyone and everyone. It made me a lot happier in the moment, but then later I would be upset at myself for all the work I had to make up, as I spent a lot of my day helping others get their work done.
A few years ago, a prospective employer said he really would have liked to hire me, but he saw too much of his old self in me. When I asked, “What does that mean?” He said, “You are textbook people pleaser.” I was upset and distraught, I eventually disconnected from the call and my world spun a little bit.
It has been about five years since then, and I can honestly say that I am no longer a people pleaser, I possibly have even swung a little farther to a “I don’t care what anyone thinks,” type of person. I find myself having trouble finding that balance between being kind and not being walked on. I am sure that Jesus felt that way sometimes.
Jesus gave himself away every day, but never received much in turn. Nor did he expect it, yet, people followed him. At times, maybe when he felt himself getting stretched too thin, he disappeared for a bit. He would take off on a boat or take a walk. He would find time to recharge. This is probably where I fail the most. I don’t recharge. I don’t think I really know how to recharge anymore. I am constantly distracted by media. I have kicked my mobile gaming habit, but I still keep my mind focused on twelve things at once.
I guess I write all this to say, in writing, I find the boat rocking under my feet, like Jesus. I find that I am alone for a bit and I have time to put everything in order, before people disorganized me again, maybe I should say, before I allow people to strain me.