I remember growing up wondering why the older people in my life were always so tired. I am beginning to understand the level of tired that they experienced.
At some point, we all hit an age in which we realize we will not change every aspect of the world. We realize that our gifts must be used and focused in such a way that they impact the few more than the masses.
I get up each day, try to help my middle schoolers feel loved and encouraged to learn. Of course, some days I get frustrated with the student who still has not completed missing work. I am learning to just love them anyway. Love should be unconditional, love should encourage others to be responsible, but first love should encourage others to feel. If others feel, than it might motivate them a bit more, I believe. If I knew that someone believed in me, I would put in a lot more effort for them, to be honest, this is still true.
I have spent many more hours of my life pointing out the negative points in others, especially towards myself. I will never regain that time, nor will I mourn it. It simply was.
I forgive myself for being rude or short with others. I seek forgiveness from those who I have wronged in the past, yet I don’t pander to them, begging for forgiveness. I just know that in my heart, I am sorry and I most likely stress more than they ever did about my poor behaviors.
Negativity is truly exhausting and is probably one of my biggest energy suckers in the past few years. Like a leech on my back, I have to remember to pull it off and not give in to it, more often that I would like to admit. Most days though anymore, I almost feel too tired to be negative. I feel tired in the sense that I am becoming more peaceful and less full of the rage that once fueled me.
I realize that the tired older person that I used to begrudge, is not actually tired, but just a calmer person. They don’t have the need to rage against the machine, because they made their dent in the universe. They did their time to improve the world, now their time is meant to encourage others to not give up and stay the course.
In moments like this, I remember what Paul said in Hebrews 12:1
Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
I thought I was tired…
If I am honest, I am just more calm, focused, towards not letting my mind run circles, but walk steady into the race Paul speaks of. My resolve is more solidified. I have more experiences than I had yesterday. I have seen the impossible become possible. I have endured, I will endure.
For this race is long and the finish line is not yet within grasp.
Time to rest in my resolve and continue to seek wisdom the moments I will push harder again.