Home – Written in 2016

tornado

Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you are in a place that you never expected,  nor wanted to be? You wake up in a stupor, not sure if it was actually happening or not. This happened to me, except I was awake, wide awake.

I grew up in the expansive state of Kansas, home to the world’s largest ball of twine and famous for being named in the Wizard of Oz. I came by this whole nightmare phenomena honestly, see Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, has a troubling journey just to get back home. She notices other people in her dream, which represent others in her real life. She is nostalgic as she dreams her way towards Oz and the hopes of getting back home.

I had a dream. A dream where I make relationships right that I have wronged. I apologize and really mean what I say. In this alternate dream which has now became my reality, I have become a bit more jaded than I ever intended on. What was my journey? To find the relevance of Jesus in my life apart from being the paid ministry.

So as Dorothy sleeps in the movie, I have toiled through most relationships, trying to drag out my positive and infectious self, that used to pop out so easily. I see him come out  once in awhile, but the cynical and maniacal takes over more than I would like. It makes me even more angry when this darker side of myself comes out. This nightmarish, raging personality comes out and quite frankly scares the living shit out of me.

I keep falling asleep, hoping to reset, but it never happens. I never arrive to Oz, and I never really feel back at home. Granted, there have been some really sad moments in my life, but I don’t know why it excuses me to flip into the raging machine I am at times, appearing more and more often.

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